How To Do It All Wrong

Drink too much whiskey and start crying. When your ex-boyfriend drives you home because he is the only sober one left at the party, cry in his passenger seat and tell him you will never stop loving him. Tell him things that hurt you to say and things that hurt him to hear. Keep crying until you ask if you can kiss him. Hate him for saying no. Cry more and tell him he’s too good for you, he’s always been too good for you. Cry.

Spend the summer trying to date that one guy you always thought you could be with, if he ever got his shit together. Know that he still hasn’t gotten his shit together but pretend your standards haven’t dropped. Find out he’s selling weed. Find out he’s selling, like,  a lot of weed, and pretend it doesn’t bother you. Recognize when he’s trying to be good to you and pretend it’s the thought that counts. Kiss him and pretend it feels right. Tell him you want to keep it casual and when he calls you his girlfriend tell him to stop. When the summer ends tell him it was fun while it lasted but long distance is everything you do not want. Call him drunk the same night and tell him you miss him already. Text him sober the next morning and tell him you didn’t mean it.

Notice later when his facebook tells you he has a girlfriend. Tell yourself it doesn’t bother you even though you wish he still wanted you. Join every club you can find and pretend everybody is your friend even though they all hang out without you. Get the best grades of your life and pretend it means something.

After his girlfriend dumps him, hang out with that guy because he says he misses your friendship. Drink with him in the middle of the day because he’s only home for a week. Tell him you are drunk, because you are. Let him kiss you because it has been too long since you’ve been touched. Let him kiss you again because you have been so lonely. Then stop him and say you won’t be his rebound booty call. Ask him what he’s trying to do here. Nod when he says he’s not looking to start a relationship. Pretend you believe him when he says he’s over his ex. Kiss him again because you’re still lonely, but stop there because he can’t fix the loneliness. 

Visit your best friend in the city. Crawl into bed next to him because you’ve both been drinking and sleeping alone is too much tonight. Cry when he tells you he is in love with you. Know that nobody will ever love you the way he does. Fall asleep wishing he would stop loving you, and wake up wishing you could love him back. Laugh when he is hesitant to tell you about his new girlfriend. Smile like you mean it because you can be selfish with everybody else, but not with him. Know that she is the best thing for him, and you are the worst. Tell him you are happy for him and don’t let it be a lie. 

Go back to school. Take notes and go to exams and get another job and try to make more friends. Stop exercising and start eating more. Gain weight and tell yourself you don’t care. Volunteer for every task and take the lead of every project. Bury yourself in work and hope it will suffocate you.

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    Don’t hurt anymore.
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